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The Lululemon Paradigm

Dear readers,

It is a glorious day on Madison Avenue. The sun is shining high, the stores are well stocked with the latest trends, and the ladies have just left their young ones with their nannies or sent them off to school.
Living on the Upper East Side means you must be fashion forward. Your name must be on the contact list of every fashion designer—from clothes to shoes to handbags—and diamonds, of course. The real necessity—almost a must-have item, a sort of admittance into Madison Avenue society—is the Birkin bag. It is not just a bag. It is the pinnacle of social status, letting everyone know you are one of them. It says, I can afford to be here, and I have no plans to leave anytime soon.
The ladies of Madison Avenue are expert shoppers. In fact, they even have a budget. That budget would fund a small country. A significant amount of their monthly allowance—aside from attending ten-thousand-dollars-a-plate luncheons—is dedicated to fashion. This is where things get tricky. At what point did Lululemon yoga pants become the new social status item on Madison Avenue? One cannot pass from 5th and 3rd Avenues without navigating a flock of ladies walking around in yoga pants. Apparently, if a lady is not wearingthese pants at least every day of the week, she does not exist. Whether she actually does yoga or exercises is not important. She can wear them just because—and apparently ladies must have a pair for each day. A lady must start her day by wearing them and instructing her driver to take her to the nearest Starbucks, where she will get her favorite flavored venti coffee (skim milk, of course) or Juice Press, where she can cleanse her body with premade trendy green juice. She does not have to truly live a healthy lifestyle if she just pretends as if she does.
Parts of the flock will work out, sweating their asses off at Soul-Cycle for about sixty minutes. Once the ladies are sweaty and gross, and before going home to shower, they rush over to their local beauty parlor to get their hair—which is now drenched in sweat and God knows what else—refluffed and reblown. Reblowing of the hair after a workout is always great fun for the stylist. Nothing better than to blowdry hair that is wet, filthy, and smelly. The visual effect of sweaty shirts and sweat drops still dripping down their face and neck is an added bonus. And the aroma is asphyxiating. One can literally fall to the floor over the fumes rising from dirty, sweaty hair being blown dry at maximum heat—a true pleasure. One should not miss the opportunity to experience it for themselves. Wait, we got sidetracked over here! Let us roll back to the Lululemon pants and to my question: “When did these yoga pants become standard everyday outerwear?” With a closet full of designer jeans and pants as far as the eye can see, why must the yoga pants make an appearance every day? Even if it’s for a casual breakfast at St. Ambrose or taking her baby with the nanny on a walk in Central Park, she does this all while wearing yoga pants, as if she is about to work out vigorously. Yes, these pants are paired with brand-name sport shoes, a ten-thousand-dollar bag, and a coat that could easily be the down payment on a new home. Still, social rules on Madison Avenue dictate that she will walk around all day in yoga pants. This is one mystery I have yet to unravel. Now, these yoga pants come in all colors and patterns. Is it a window into a lady’s mind that she wears a particular pattern to fit her mood for the day? For example, if she is wearing the design with scenes of Manhattan spread all around her butt and thighs, is it safe to assume she is about to explore the city using her butt as a map? If another lady is wearing a storm-and-lightening pattern, does that mean she is in a serious and not-so-great mood today—or simply giving us the forecast? Also, there’s the beach scene with sun, blue skies, white sand, and the ocean—all on one pair of yoga pants. Is it safe to assume she has a vacation on her mind? So many questions! I need answers! Oh my word. As I am writing these lines, I received an email with a twenty percent off coupon for Lululemon.

Please excuse me. I simply must get online and shop before all the New York City patterns are sold out.

Yours truly,

The Guy Who Knows

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