• The Guy Who Knows

Mrs. Dime

Dear readers,

There are many quirky characters operating on Madison Avenue on daily basis, but there is one who tops them all.

It is with great pleasure that I introduce to you Mrs. Dime. She is not an ordinary lady. She is the matriarch of her clan, a busy social bee, and an avid card player. Mrs. Dime is also older, so she has not only been around the block but also been part of Old New York and the Upper East Side back when it was still classy.

Mrs. Dime plays cards as often as Catholics go to church. Playing cards is her way of confessing and getting more gossip from her fellow worshippers.

Her whole life revolves around her hair. Her hair maintenance schedule is set just like the four seasons, only she wouldn’t last a full season without getting her ʼdo done. It is a steady stream of appointments: one week—a haircut, the following week—her color, then three—blow dries in between, and repeat. Heaven forbid if one of her stylists decides to take a vacation during the standard routine. That would mess up her schedule entirely, causing the sky to fall over her Park Avenue building entrance. The woman can book six months in advance without blinking, yet she confirms these appointments each time she calls or walks in the salon door. You’re probably wondering why she has to call and confirm so often. For her, confirming her weekly schedule is part of her everyday agenda. If you were the lucky person answering the phone at any of her favorite spots, this how the conversation would go:

“Yes, Mrs. Dime, how may we help you today?”

“Well, I need to confirm my appointment for next week. And let me tell you why. My electrician said he might need to come check the connection on my wires because next month I have a big dinner for twenty people, so I have to get my carpets cleaned. Now, I can’t have him come after they’ve been cleaned. Then, my chef has to start working on the menu, and I need to get my blinds cleaned as well. It is a disaster!”

You think I’m lying, right? I am not. Word for word, so help me God.

Did I mention she is always on a tight schedule? Oh yeah, she must be taken on time. You see, she doesn’t work, so in reality, she is rushing nowhere. However, she must be finished in precisely one hour. So the team, of course, works vigorously to make sure they meet her deadline just so when she’s done, she will mention again she has to run, but not before she books another three months’ worth of appointments—even though she has already booked and changed them about five times. Of course, if one of her friends walks in the salon door, she is no longer in a rush. I guess her next appointment to nothing just got canceled, so she may accompany her friend during her beauty services and spend another full hour talking to her about grandchildren or her husband’s business trip and why it’s such a drag on her—which just reminded her that she has to book another appointment before her husband’s business trip. So, we are back to square one because that will change the order of the other four hundred appointments she booked already.

After all is said and done, Mrs. Dime finally leaves the salon to continue doing nothing—but in a hurry, of course. She can’t leave before she throws the staff a comment that if she stayed any longer, she would have to get her hair done again.

Do not get me wrong. I adore Mrs. Dime. She is a true diva who knows what she wants and when she wants it. No rain or storm will keep her from getting her hair done, especially if it’s right before she must get in a car driving to the Hamptons or a catch a flight to Boca Raton.

There is so much more to tell you about Mrs. Dime, but I feel this is enough for now—a good jump-start. The funny part is that she is not even in the top ten craziest ladies on the Upper East Side.

Stay tuned for more.

Yours truly,

The Guy Who Knows

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